I don’t want to die young.. but it’s killing me inside, this waiting for completion, this prolonged state of dysphoria, often driving me over the edge, is causing me great suffering and emotional distress.
I pretty much reached the maximum capable limits of hormone levels manipulation via herbal and diet based estrogens, phytoestrogens and antiandrogens with few noticeable effects and results.
Earlier this year I was refused a prescription for hormones replacement therapy because I am a smoker over 40 and was told that because of this, HRT may cause heart attack or stroke and was told to make an appointment after I succeed in quitting smoking, which I have been unable to do.
I NEED to be on HRT.. I am becoming very impatient and emotionally distressed over it, and tomorrow I have an appointment for my hormones readiness assessment, as well as complete physical exam, etc to begin treatment for gender confirmation, etc.
And so I tried AGAIN to quit smoking, and after only a day and a half, my ex wife, also a smoker, shows up to my house to visit my daughter, and she smoked in my house, severely stressed me the fuck out, and I began smoking again… and am severely anxious and frustrated that I may be refused the HRT injection tomorrow, or prescriptions..
I can’t fucking take this fucking shit anymore.. I’m fucking dying inside… and if I lie and tell them I do not smoke, the HRT can kill me… and I don’t want to die…. but if I don’t get on HRT, I’m dying a slow agonizing death anyway.
You know, I have a lot on my mind, and soon enough it’s probably gonna come barreling out like lava exploding hard from the mouth of a dormant volcano.
These things I keep buried because I don’t like to hurt people.. their delicate sensibilities so fragile.. so easily broken when they hear the truth… and I don’t want to be the cause of their suffering.
These things I keep buried because I don’t like to cause conflict and generate animosity.. because I value my friends and don’t want to alienate my self from them.
But at some point, I’ll no longer be able to contain it, and it’s gonna come out, and it’s gonna come out harshly, with vehement force and dire consequence.
And with each passing day, I’m so much closer to saying fuck it all.
I try my best to always be in a state of right mindedness, speak with right speech, live right livelihood and exercise right action etc, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I may express my self too harshly.
I apologize for the vulgarity & tone of the previous post. I needed to vent
OMFG I’m so fucking pissed right now, and am sick and fucking tired uneducated prejudicial bigot scum. Oh how badly I wish I could have just knocked that fucking bitches teeth in and pummel her cunt face into the pavement.
I brought my daughter out to a Halloween themed event in Salem, Massachusetts. It was a trick or treat in the downtown business district.
In addition to tons of tourists, there were tons of families from all over the region, so it was super crowded. I’m from this area and very rarely ever have to deal with negative BS insofar as being out as my self, a transsexual woman, and when I do suffer some negative bullshit, it’s when it’s events like this, that bring in uneducated scum from other areas, and today, I am so fucking pissed off because of it.
First off, these fucking fucks should keep their goddamn fucking comments to themselves. All this shit I had to endure today caused me major anxiety, and even caused me to have a fucking panic attack, and I’m so fucking upset.
I can’t count how many fucking cunts whispered to each other, pointing at me, “that’s a man” and it really hurts, because I’m not a fucking man, nor do I even look like one, and I certainly wasn’t dressed like one either, but because it was crowded and loud I had to speak up when calling out to my daughter who was running from store to store getting candy, and it’s that that I assume to be what gave me away.
Add to that the numerous fucks who commented with “nice costume” or “I love your costume” and similar, and I wasn’t even wearing a goddamn fucking costume. I wore a white collared button down shirt, a red sweater and a black skirt.
Then there were the fucking cuntarazzi and their goddamn cell phone cameras.. Just who the fuck do these fucks think they are that they can take MY fucking photo without my permission… WTF!!! I so wish I could just snatch their goddamn fucking iphones, etc out of their hands and shove it so far up their fucking ass that it would require a skilled team of gastrointestinologists to retrieve it.
Then there was the fucking nazi with a badge directing traffic at the crosswalk who said to me, “are you crossing SIR”! I so badly wanted to flip the fuck out and smash his fucking skull. FUCKING PUNK.
I finally lost it and snapped when a flip mouth little CUNT said to her friend, loudly, “look at this fucking faggot” and when she got closer she sucked her teeth making that tsk sound & said to me, “really.. in front of the kids? really? you’re sick” I slammed her, pushing her up into the wall and got into her face and screamed at her “who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that you fucking cunt. This is who I am and it’s none of your fucking business. You have no right to talk to me like that and treat me like this” I don’t know what stopped me from bashing her fucking skull, I was shaking so fucking bad… hurt„„, angry… fucking pissed… and my blood is still BOILING hours later. I can’t get it out of my head. I fucking hate people like this…. FUCKING HATE IT…… fucking sick of it.