I’m Not Ready to Die…
I don’t want to die young.. but it’s killing me inside, this waiting for completion, this prolonged state of dysphoria, often driving me over the edge, is causing me great suffering and emotional distress.
I pretty much reached the maximum capable limits of hormone levels manipulation via herbal and diet based estrogens, phytoestrogens and antiandrogens with few noticeable effects and results.
Earlier this year I was refused a prescription for hormones replacement therapy because I am a smoker over 40 and was told that because of this, HRT may cause heart attack or stroke and was told to make an appointment after I succeed in quitting smoking, which I have been unable to do.
I NEED to be on HRT.. I am becoming very impatient and emotionally distressed over it, and tomorrow I have an appointment for my hormones readiness assessment, as well as complete physical exam, etc to begin treatment for gender confirmation, etc.
And so I tried AGAIN to quit smoking, and after only a day and a half, my ex wife, also a smoker, shows up to my house to visit my daughter, and she smoked in my house, severely stressed me the fuck out, and I began smoking again… and am severely anxious and frustrated that I may be refused the HRT injection tomorrow, or prescriptions..
I can’t fucking take this fucking shit anymore.. I’m fucking dying inside… and if I lie and tell them I do not smoke, the HRT can kill me… and I don’t want to die…. but if I don’t get on HRT, I’m dying a slow agonizing death anyway.